Welcome Back, Mistress Murdoch
By Adelaide Cromwell-Keenan
Ladies and gentlemen and everything in between, I come bearing good (sort of) news: Mistress Murdoch is back. That’s right, Murdoch’s own anonymous shit-stirrer is back after a six-month probation due to being away for assaulting a ‘medical professional’ (As you do, I suppose?).
A little background for those that are, understandably, out of the loop; Mistress Murdoch is this mystery Reddit user who trash-talks the Murdoch Guild, the on-campus food, the Murdoch clubs and basically anyone who won’t lick her boot. I wish I were joking about the last one, but I’m pretty sure I once intruded on a thread based around some sort of BDSM roleplay. Honestly it was so unbelievably ridiculous, I’m now wondering if perhaps it was just a fever dream.
Whilst there are some truly over the top edgy behaviour that comes from MM, sometimes I look to her for words of wisdom. ‘If you ain’t good enough, then that’s tough shit’, ‘keep dreaming fuck-o’ and the lengthy ‘Fuck up church bro and have a wank and a Snickers, and you’ll feel better’ have really helped me through some tough times during this degree; or at least gave me a little giggle.
But don’t let the edge fool you, MM is totally all for the Murdoch people! They claim to have a ‘positive’ influence on the Guild by ‘keeping them honest’- I don’t even know if that’s necessarily true, but the thought of some Reddit user having some sort of power and wanting to use that power to influence the Guild, of all things, makes me want to cackle.
Like all of us, MM faces hardships. When trying to voice their opinions online, they claim they are ‘attacked’ for being a little different; proclaiming ‘I deserve a voice!’. Another time, tragedy had struck as they attempted to host an Ask Me Anything on Reddit, only to not have any of their ‘fans’ ask a single question. The Internet really hurts the little guy sometimes.
One thing about MM is, either intentional or not, a lot of the time you are left with more questions than answers. ‘Who is she?’, ‘Is she cat-fishing the whole university?’, ‘Do I genuinely care about who/what she is or have my irony levels gone too far?’. Admittedly, the mystery is probably what makes MM most entertaining, otherwise it’d just be a student being kind of an unnecessary dick to everyone. It’s a good loophole.
So, what’s next for MM? There have been hints at meet and greets (Good God, no), a claim to keep running for Guild President (Whether that will actually ever happen in this life-time is yet to be seen. There are doubts) and an ever-lasting hatred of Murdoch students paying for apparent ‘useless’ things (That’s pretty understandable though).
One thing for sure though, Mistress Murdoch is a gift that keeps on giving, with a quick wit and ridiculousness that can’t be taken seriously. But I appreciate Mistress Murdoch for the entertainment; just don’t call me a worm.
Editor's note: It appears that as of 29th July 2018 Mistress Murdoch received a permanent ban from the r/murdoch subreddit to the relief of many.